Saturday, May 9, 2015

Home Sick

I came across a quote recently about being home sick for a place that may not exist. Maybe it doesn't, but one thing's for sure...this emptiness in my heart is very real.

Single Mommy life is busy, yes. However, I'm not just talking about the busy Mom who doesn't get a break. I'm talking about the kind of Mom who wouldn't know what to do if she had a break. The kind of Mom who isn't really sure about herself or how to be social.

This emptiness I speak it really loneliness? The answer is hard to find. I have spent years dedicating myself to friends and loved ones. The truth is, I haven't been able to face who I really am. I'm not even sure myself. Am I really lonely or just afraid?

A lot of my time is spent going through the motions. Work, therapy, caring for my kids, etc. At the end of the day, when my kids are in bed, I sit and cry. I can't even put into words why I cry. I just do.

Make no mistake, I love my kids more than anything. Being a mother is what I live for. The smiles on their faces brings me pure joy. The mother-part of my heart couldn't be more full. So why the tears?

The social piece of my life is missing. It has been for some time. There is an overwhelming feeling like I'm not understood. I don't seek people out because I always feel like I'm bothering someone. In all the years of therapy, self-confidence is lacking. I do for others because it is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.

I have spent more years of my life single than in a relationship, so this feeling isn't for lack of a mate. I don't know what it is like to go home to someone every day. I don't know what it is like to share the details of my day. I have never shared a holiday or birthday with a significant other. I have never even lived with man. I spend more time with myself than anyone else. Perhaps, herein lies the problem. Perhaps I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.

I spent 31 years of my life pretending to be something I'm not. Pretending to fit in has been my greatest struggle. Until 20 years of age, I couldn't even look anyone in the eye while holding a conversation. Just the thought of getting dressed and going somewhere brings on such overwhelming anxiety. Unless of course my sweat pants and hat are acceptable attire. No matter how crowded the room, amazingly I feel so alone. Taking everything in is exhausting.

The effort that goes into taking a break, getting dressed up, being around people, etc. is so much harder than being alone. I want to be social. The truth is, I'm not sure how. I live alone. I work alone. I'm single. There is a pattern here.

At 31, I have been diagnosed with ASD (high-functioning/undiagnosed Aspergers). This realization has given me some hope. An answer that explains my life's patterns. I never thought that I could feel so relieved and yet so torn at the same time. What has been buried since childhood is unfolding before me and I'm not sure how to handle it.

I'm home sick. I'm home sick for a place to fill this hole in my heart. Finding myself may be a step in the right direction.  

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